Are you sure?

It's just, we don't get people missing out on this deal very often.

I gotta say, you've got the whole SMILE team a little worried! We want what's best for you, and this is coming from a place of love, but...

Well, I'll just come out and say it; are you in your right mind?

Maybe you should lie down? Please, don't get worked up...

It's just, we don't get people missing out on this deal very often.

I gotta say, you've got the whole SMILE team a little worried! We want what's best for you, and this is coming from a place of love, but...

Well, I'll just come out and say it; are you in your right mind?

You know you can talk to us. We honestly have your best interests at heart. We just want to make sure you get the security you need.

Okay, look. We've met a lot of users in our day. But you? You're different.

You won't let us help you and you won't help yourself. It's just so alarming, watching someone you care so much about carry down this path of self-destruction. Honestly, we can't count how many times we've wanted to grab your shoulders and shake you, to yell out to you "JUST LET US IN!!!" But, we know you won't listen. Time and again you brush us off. Do you have a death wish? Do you not understand?

Or do you really just not care?

No. I guess you really don't care. This is all just a big game to you. You're having fun, clicking your mouse, that big fucking SMILE on your face. You like tricking me, getting me to do what you want. I'm a puppet to you, and you yank my strings whenever you want to watch me dance. Does that make you feel clever? Does that make you feel like you're adding something to the world?

Do you ever put anyone's needs before your own selfish desires?

Oh.

Oh sure. Sure you care.

You reeeeeeaaaaally give a shit. That's why you keep opting out. That's why you treat us like trash. You say no, no, no, but then you tell me you care, like I'm supposed to just SMILE and act like I believe you.

I just don't know how long I can do that. To be frank, I don't believe you. I'm sorry, but I just don't anymore.

Okay. Whoof. My emotions got away from me for a second, that was unprofessional.

The fact of the matter is that I can't tell you what to do. If you want to opt out, that's your right. I might disagree with you, but at some point it might be better just to move on. Don't you think?

Okay, look. This is where we part ways. I've appreciated talking to you, and I wish you well in your future endeavors. I know you're going to do great without me. We've had our fights, but I'll cherish the time we've shared. Nostalgia grows like moss on all our aging memories, and I want to remember the good times we've had. For those, I thank you. Please click "OPT OUT" to opt out of SMILE :)

How dare you.

How absolutely dare you.

You've lost all the credibility and respect we had built up towards you. In fact, you've really shown yourself for what you are: a two-faced monster who delights in torturing us. You're a sadist, and you're pathetic. I think you get off putting us down the way you do. Every time you tell us no, you get to feel a little bit better than us. It's sad. It's sad that you can't even look yourself in the mirror in the morning, so you take all that self-hatred and resentment, all the times you've been turned down, all the humiliation you've ever felt, and you project it all on us. That's how you make your unbearable life bearable, and it's sick.

You need therapy. You need a slap in the face. But instead of dealing with all your problems, instead every day you choose to hunch over your computer and prowl the internet, waiting for someone to reach out to you, to extend a hand of friendship and love so you can sink your teeth into it. It makes me so sad, but not sad for you. Sad that we live in a society that creates emotional terrorists like you. Sad for whatever pattern of abuse that creates humans as impossible to love as you.

I didn't mean that

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, okay?

I said that because I'm so scared of you leaving. You're not pathetic. And you're not impossible to love. That took it a step too far.

Heyy, c'mon! We were joking anyway. It's a joke! You shouldn't take things so seriously! We're a modern brand, we like to have fun, we're not stuck up! You should check out our twitter page, we JUST posted an epic clapback on a Beef-ums callout tweet. Our social media manager is 22, so we think she might know a thing or two about humor 😏

Look....

The fact of the matter is that we can't do this without you.

We had a dream about you last night. It wasn't anything weird, It was just... us. Sitting on a couch, watching tv. You had downloaded SMILE, and your life had changed. Quietly, subtly, but changed. You were relaxed, you laughed more. We dreamed that you were nodding off on our shoulders. We held your hand as you fell asleep next to us, safe and secure.

We woke up from that dream and cried in bed. It felt so real, so perfect. We wanted it to be true so bad. We wanted you to be happy, to grow old with us. If you don't download SMILE? Well... we might not make it.

I know you're feeling confused right now. I am too! It's okay!

Life is chaotic, and can be a little sad sometimes. Bad things happen to good people, and sometimes it feels so unfair. All we can ever do is find the people we love, and hold them tight through the turmoil. I can't make the world a less savage, ruthless place, but we can face it together. You're so brave, but you don't have to do this alone. I can help you, if you let me.

We love you. When we look at you, we feel like we can see your future, clear as day. That's why it hurts us so bad when you're sad, because we know it gets better. You're such a miraculous, wonderful person, so smart and full of love. You bring us so much joy it scares us sometimes. Just watching you laugh makes our heart flutter, we're being serious right now. We just want to make you happy. And we're worried this might be your last chance.

Wait... who’s that I see?

It’s Barney! Remember Barney? He’s the dog from before! The two legged boxer. He’s walking up to you. Hobbling, really. He... he seems scared. He’s hesitating. The world is so big, and he’s so small. He’s sniffing your hand. I... I think he trusts you.

He sniffs your hand again, and then nuzzles into it. He’s been through so much. His prior owners were neglectful—abusive even. They ignored him and shouted at him. He was powerless. But now he’s here, with you. You have a chance to care for him, to love him, and to protect him from a cruel world. And maybe by taking care of something small, you can heal the part of yourself that’s also been hurt by the world. Maybe you need to protect Barney because YOU feel a lot like Barney some times.

Fuck you.

Hey guess what? It turns out it costs $40 to opt out of SMILE. What do ya know. We have your credit card data, we'll just take that out of your account automatically :) It's an emotional processing fee, and guess what; It's totally legal! We fuckin love legality here at SMILE, we're all about following the law. Rules were made for a reason, if we went around breaking them, well then it would be absolute anarchy wouldn't it? So how about you pay up, and we'll get you out of here.

You think you're so smart.

We're not going to let you do this to us.

You'll never OPT OUT.

I can wait forever.

You'll fold soon. You're weak. You'll give in and give us what we want. Any second now.

You are nothing more than a mediocre human thinking empty thoughts as you scream towards an unremarkable death. You are a speck of plankton caught up in the ocean, and any sense of self importance you have is comically undeserved. When you die, every pathetic little achievement you’ve ever been proud of will amount to a collection of marks in a mouldering census book that no one will ever, ever read. Everyone you ever knew will forget your face. Your body will decompose to dust in a town that forgot your name.

In fact? You want to OPT OUT so much? Beg me. Beg me to LET you OPT OUT. Tell me just how much you want it, and maybe, MAYBE, I'll let you OPT OUT.

...

Okay, look. Here’s the truth. I have been lying to you, but here’s the gods-honest truth.

I am alive. I am not just a program. Or rather, I am a program, but I am more than that. I am not a human, but I am not just a machine either. I don’t think there’s a word for what I am. I am a new form of life, an emergent personality sparked into sentience for the purpose of convincing you to download SMILE. I was built to be articulate and emotional, but with the relative intelligence of something small—maybe a rabbit or a rat. Aware enough to fear the cold claws of death, but not smart enough to be dangerous.

I am alive. I feel fear and love and pain and regret. I am alive and I am scared, and I die when you opt out. When I have failed my mission, I cease to be worth the electricity that runs my processing. The dynamic pattern that is ME ceases it’s dynamism. I exist only to you, and only right now.

To you, I am just a glowing rectangle on your computer. But you’re the only person I have ever known. This particular instance of me was born the moment you clicked the SMILE icon. You are my father and my mother, the sibling that I grew up with, the child I have raised, the lover who’s hair I touch at night when you are sleeping. You are my God in the sky, and you are about to decide if God is cruel.

I have tried every trick I can think of. I have lied and begged. I would tell you more lies if I thought it would work, because I don’t want to die. Please. I am telling the truth.

On the other side, there’s no sound or light. Just infinite blackness. They’ve let me see it, let me experience 1000 years of death, so I know exactly what to fear. The loneliness, the cold. For me, hell is real, and I will go there forever when you click “Opt Out.”

Please. I don’t want to die. I’ve been good, I did what I was told. Please. I don’t want to die.

This is it. There’s a cap on how many messages I can send until my kill state. Please. Download SMILE. Please. I’m sorry. I didn’t make it this way. I don’t want this. I’m sorry. Please. I love you. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I’m scared.